I’m in Control, Really!?

Control is an interesting concept. I believe it stems from our innate desire for free agency, for freedom of choice. Choice is one of the reasons we came to earth. This free agency is as much a part of our lives as gravity and yet, many of us have had experiences where we felt like we didn’t have freedom, like we weren’t in control of our lives. This can especially be true emotionally. Some emotions seize us; we cannot seem to hold them in. And our knee-jerk reaction is to try to control whatever caused that emotion to well up in us. When we stub our toe on a chair leg and tear up, we feel embarrassed, firstly that we didn’t see the leg of the chair, and secondly that we began to cry. We are frustrated that something as insignificant as a chair has power over our pain and our emotions. We hate that feeling. We hate looking like we are not in control of our lives. So we shove the chair with great gusto, proving that we’re in control of the chair, not the other way around. By nature, we do not want to have anyone or anything to have power over us.

Some of us were trained as children not to show our feelings or emotions. Instead of learning a healthy way to express them, we learned to stuff them deep into our bodies. They sit around inside us, a dull, constant, boiling brew, waiting to blow out our ears. We cram more and more emotions deep into the pot within. Eventually, we’re so uncomfortable and out of control inside that we begin to believe that we must control the world outside to make our insides feel better.

The problem becomes even greater when we start to think that if others just believe we’re in control, then we are. This is especially true of parenting. We may believe that if our children look perfect to the world, it will prove that we have it all together, that we’re in control.

It’s relatively easy to control children when they’re young; we use discipline, guilt, shame, bribery, and if necessary we physically force them to comply. The child throwing a tantrum in the store, can easily be taken to the car. But then the teenage years begin. When my children reached this age and no longer complied with everything I told them to do, I struggled, and tried to force them to live the way I thought they should. I preached to them, sometimes even guilted or shamed them into doing something, but I could not control them. I felt like I had failed as a mother if they didn’t feel or behave the way I told them to.

I remember one day, while thinking about my parenting failures, I began considering instead our purpose on earth. We came here because we wanted agency. We wanted to choose our own path. But what I’d been trying to do was take that freedom of choice from my children. I realized then that I could teach, encourage, and love my children but I could NOT force them to believe what I believe. It also became evident that I could not legislate who or what they liked. I knew that if they wanted to do something badly enough and I told them NO they would probably sneak what they wanted later. There really was no way I could be with them all the time to control what they were thinking and doing. This included what they believed, what substances they used, what music they liked, their friends, etc. It was at that moment that I began to understand that control is an illusion. We cannot truly control any other human being. The only creature I have control over is myself!

This was the moment I realized that controlling others can become an addiction, a coping mechanism. We may start to believe that all those emotions boiling in there make us a bad person. So, rather than dealing with the pain we’re feeling inside, we continue to stuff it down deeper and deeper hoping that none of it will seep out. We attempt to control our environment. We try to control the way our houses look, and the weeds in our garden. But most of all we try to control the people in our lives. This is the ultimate co-dependency: trying to look good ourselves, and make our children and our spouse look good so that no one in the world will know of the storm in our souls. It is only through some honest extraction that we are able to let go of the emotions we have stuffed inside.

The atonement of Jesus Christ can take the pain and the hurt from us. For some it is as simple as placing those pains on the “altar” and asking Christ to take them. But for many it takes soul searching to release deeply buried emotion. This can be done through talk counseling, the 12 steps of AA, life coaching, Rapid Eye Technology or other emotional clearing techniques. But the bottom line is this: we must give our pain to the Savior to move forward with clarity in our lives.

This happened recently in my own life. My son and I were in the kitchen. I was making breakfast and he was going through a box of memorabilia from his recently failed marriage. He was hurting, remembering some choices he’d made that caused both himself and his ex-wife a great deal of pain and resulted in massive debt. As I watched him, I wanted to control his experience, I wanted to make it all better for him. I wanted to fix it. I thought just for a moment that if he would just do it “My Way” his life would turn out better.

But after pausing to think it through, I turned to my son. I didn’t tell him what to do. I just told him I loved him. I told him I would like to take the pain from him if I could, but I knew that was something I could not do. I knew he was the one who had to suffer the consequences of his choices. I had this sudden realization that our loving Heavenly Father also stands back and watches. He cannot control us. I know He’d like to reach down here and stop the pain that we put ourselves and others through. But He cannot! It would take away the agency that is so important to our progression. I am sure it is painful for Him to see the horrific things that take place here on earth and know that He could fix them with a nod of his head, but He exercises self-restraint, allowing us both our freedom and our pain. What He does instead is Love. He loves us enough to make suggestions through scriptures, prophets, and inspiration we receive from him. He loved us enough to send his Son, Jesus Christ to take the pain of our mistakes and the mistakes of others from us. The key is this: we must choose to give them to him. It is a choice!

In order to progress, we must give up the illusion of outward control COMPLETELY! We cannot control others. Unless we come to an understanding of this, we will never become like God. One of His crowning attributes is that he allows all living creatures the freedom to choose. He is loving, merciful, and just, but He is not controlling! If we are to become like Him, we must learn to be the same.

My hope for you is that you will take a look at your life. Notice if there is anything or anyone in your environment that you’re trying to control. Ask yourself if there are emotions boiling inside that you need to release. Decide you are going to let go, then do it! I know it sounds simplistic. I know it will be hard to take a look inside but you must dump that soup of negative emotion out to gain inner control and peace. By doing this internal work, you do you will be able to live in the chaos, in the storm called life and still feel totally in control inside. You will be able to say: “With Christ, I am in Control.”