Happily Ever After?

I’ll be happy when_________________. You know the answer: when I have a boyfriend, when I graduate, when I get married, when I have a child, when I have a nice house, when I get this or when I get that.

I’ve lived much of my life believing some variation of this sentence. The version I believed most was of the fairytale variety. You know the one, where I would find my “true love” and we would ride off into the sunset and live Happily Ever After.

It was very early in my marriage that I realized marriage is not a fairy tale. We struggled to get along. I saw so much potential in Jim; I knew he could become a great father and husband, but he had experienced a very broken, abusive childhood. I believed that if I just loved him and allowed him to achieve his dreams that he would be the wonderful man that I saw glimpses of before our marriage. I had this belief that if he got an education, a profession, he would feel like he was enough and things would change. Then we would live Happily Ever After.

We began our journey through schooling. I had already graduated from college as a Clinical Laboratory Scientist, so I worked full time and supported us as he pursued his education. We believed that when we finally came out on the other side of his schooling, our life would be changed and we would be happy. I worked hard keeping our home clean, preparing all the meals, bearing children, raising them, and working at the hospital full time. After he finished his undergrad, we packed up our three little children and moved across the country for graduate studies. I had three preschoolers, so I took a job at an inner-city hospital in a night position. I would work from 10 at night until 6 in the morning. Jim would leave for his residency and I would doze on the couch until the kids woke up. I would survive, groggy, until nap time when I could sleep for an hour or two until they woke up again, then drag myself through dinner and dishes and bedtime. After the kids were in bed, I would take a nap and then go back to work. And of this was worth it because soon we would finish school and we would be happy. Then I could climb up behind Jim on that big white steed and ride into the sunset and live Happily Ever After!

After graduation Jim found a job in our beloved Idaho. We moved to a small farming community to live our dream. I could be home with the kids; Jim’s income would provide a comfortable lifestyle for our family. Jim had reached his professional goal, but somehow he was still unhappy. I had become so involved with Jim’s feelings and success that if he wasn’t happy, I wasn’t happy. How could this have happened? We had worked so hard to achieve this goal and we still weren’t happy.

Maybe it was because we had always talked about having a small farm where we could raise some cattle, have horses, and the kids could have 4-H animals. I was sure if we had that it would fix our problems and we could be happy. I distinctly remember thinking that I could be happy if we just had a large farm home in the country. Then it happened: we found our home. It needed work but it was on 45 acres. We remodeled the house, gave it a new kitchen, updated bathrooms, refinished the hardwood floors, etc. It was my dream. I put in raised-bed vegetable gardens, a patio and basketball court, an above ground pool, everything. We purchased some cows from my dad and got a couple of horses. The next spring I enrolled the kids in 4-H and they began raising sheep. It was supposed to be our dream come true, our happily ever after, but somehow it wasn’t.

How could I have arrived at Happily Ever After and still feel so empty and miserable inside? It was then that I began to realize, Happily Ever After is not a destination. Here is a small excerpt from my journal at that time:

I am having a bit of a personal struggle in my life. I feel really confused. I thought that this life is what I wanted and that having all of the things I have would make me happy. If this isn’t what I wanted, what do I want? Since I have been married I have given up so much of myself. I am living my life vicariously; if Jim is happy, I am happy; if the kids are having fun, I am having fun. I have become the shadow of a person. No one else appreciates this sacrifice I of myself I am making. Yet I am so busy, there is always more to do than there is time. I need to take time for myself but what do I want to do? What do I enjoy? What am I passionate about?

It took some very painful experiences and dozens of years of learning, but I have finally come to understand that happiness does not come from some outside circumstance. It doesn’t matter who my companion is, what his education level is, how my children behave, where I live, or what my house looks like. It doesn’t even matter where I work. Happily Ever After is a place within my own soul! It is a feeling I CHOOSE to have. It is being grateful for all of my blessings in whatever circumstance I am in. For me, it is understanding and believing that Heavenly Father loves me and is willing to pour out His blessings in abundance. It is being aware of the small miracles that take place in my life each day. It is a choice.

It is my dream that you will CHOOSE Happily Ever After. Choose to look within yourself and find the spark that is Heavenly Father’s love for you. Choose to be grateful for all that you have in your life right now. The more you look within for the happiness you seek, the more likely you are to find it.

With Love,
Lorana

I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself.
For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness
is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.
~Martha Washington