“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”

I have heard this saying all of my life. It didn’t really seem to apply to me because, “I’m not a gossip!” I prided myself in the fact that I was such a nice person. Then, one night I was talking to my son and his wife, I began to share some things about a woman from church who bugs me—even going so far as gritty details. The next day as I sat in church next to my daughter-in-law, this woman entered the chapel. I suddenly realized that I had pre-formed my daughter-in-law’s impression of a woman she had never met. That was so unfair of me. She is an amazing woman, a wonderful teacher, a great mother, etc, and I had tainted her in the eyes of my daughter-in-law through my comments. She had no opportunity to form her own opinion of the woman. I began to realize the real danger of not “saying something nice”.

The really embarrassing thing is that I know this! On an intellectual level I know all about it. I have even taught it in classes. There must be some disconnect in my brain that allows me to disregard what I know and act just the opposite.

A couple of days later, I was reading Lehi’s dream in the Book of Mormon. He tastes the fruit of a beautiful tree, the Tree of Life. It is amazing and brings him unimaginable Joy. He wants others to eat of it and feel of this joy, especially his family. Near the tree is a river of filthy water and a large building of people making fun of those who have partaken of the fruit of the Tree of Life. Lehi is so thrilled with the joy he feels from partaking of the fruit that he doesn’t even notice the filthy water or the people laughing at him. In 1 Nephi 15:27 we read, “the water which my father [Lehi] saw was filthiness; and so much was his mind swallowed up in other things,” (the joy of partaking of the fruit,) “that he beheld not the filthiness of the water.” What a great example he is to us of where to focus. He was so focused on the good that he didn’t see the bad. Oh, how I can learn from that.

This was then brought home to me again as I realized that I was doing something similar at work. At work, I was really unhappy. I was finding fault with the way that management handled things and the way the workload was divided. There were some co-workers that took advantage of the system. A system, that, by the way, I could not take advantage of because of my position. It really annoyed me, and I felt cheated. I focused on the negatives and complained about them to everyone else. Complaining made my irritation worse, and most of all, it made the co-workers I shared it with irritated as well. Again, I was influencing their opinion of the things that were happening at work. I was not only making myself more miserable, but I was making them miserable as well. I realized that I had two choices. I could continue to complain about it—making my days as work miserable for me and others, or I could stop repeating it over and over again. Perhaps, I could even see work as a way to bring some joy and fun to all of my co-workers—really embracing the truth: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”

Another example of focusing on the bad is represented in the movie “Up.” There is a dog, Dug, who must wear the “collar of shame.” It is one of those large circular cones that is used on injured dogs to prevent them from licking their wounds and preventing the healing process. When I was in a space of repeated complaining about things that happened with the woman at church or work, I was licking at stuff so it couldn’t heal—not for me or anyone else. Perhaps, I needed to wear the “collar of shame” for a time to remind myself to quit “licking” the bad and take a look at the good things in my life. Just as Lehi was so focused on the good that he didn’t see the bad, I am capable of doing the same.

It is my hope that we will all take a look at our lives and pay attention to what we are thinking and talking about. Are we complaining about other people or situations? If so, we need to STOP and take a closer look at our lives. We must become so focused on the great things in our lives that we don’t see the filth—remembering the saying we were taught as children, “I you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”